Part 3
How It’s Going
After the snowboarding accident, in 2011 I went back to work and started to finally become the woman I am today. I read the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It was a game changer for me. It taught me how to meditate and how to feel things in a new way. It taught me that I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I remind myself that every single day. Literally, I say that out loud every morning!
In 2012, 12 years had passed since the suicide attempt. I was spreading my wings. I received an opportunity to help open a new salon in California. It was a friend of my sister’s, and he didn’t know the first thing about the hair world, so I moved in with my sister and her family, who had lived in California for eight years by then. I got to do all the decorating and hiring. It was a blast! Then it came time to run the employees. Not so fun. I realized I just wanted to do hair. I got a job at a spa but really started to miss home. My sister and her family moved back to Utah just one short year after I moved in. I got an apartment and tried to find my place there, but it just didn’t fit. I started to feel depressed and new it as time to come home. A year and a half later I moved back home and in with my parents for the last time!
In 2014, January 22, I met the man of my dreams. It was love at first sight for me. We danced the night away at a concert in Park City, Utah. I had to leave early, that night, but I never got his number or even his name. Turns out his friend new my friend and he sought me out. He called and asked me out. I asked him if this was a real date or the kind where I should meet him somewhere.
“This is a real date, “I’m picking you up, doll.”
I was smitten. He took a little longer to fall in love, but a year later we moved in together and were engaged. Don’t get me wrong here, there were ups and downs and heartbreaks and heartaches, but in the end, we ended up together, so those only made us stronger. We were engaged for a year then we eloped in Maui. We told people; we just didn’t invite them. It was only about us and our love for each other.
He has taught me how to express myself. He has taught me that it’s okay to have feelings of any kind. Our feelings are there to tell us things, if we know how to listen. All feeling are ok to feel, not just the good ones, and they will all pass. If you can just hold on until morning it will be just the slightest bit different. He taught me how to listen to the voice inside myself. And to make sure she is heard. He taught me how to communicate.
We both learned about a class called “The Landmark Forum.” We learned how to let go of our past and choose today for today, to not get caught up in who I was but who I am now.
Then one day we read “The Miracle Morning” by Hal Elrod. It changed my life. I have read it six times. Get it today. Pick up your phone and order it off amazon right now. I do my miracle morning every day! It is my medicine. It keeps me in control. It keeps me sane.
Know Your Medicine and Know Your Triggers
With the help from my doctor and therapists I was able to get off the anti-depressants. I learned what triggers me and what doesn’t. Your triggers are no one else’s responsibility! They are yours to manage. Boundaries are the same. You can let the other person/people know, if x happens or if they do x then you will do y. But you cannot control other people’s behavior. And you cannot expect the world to tip toe around your triggers. Holly Whitaker said it best in her book, Quit like a Woman. “There are some things you can fuck with. There are some things you can’t. Know the difference.”
· I know I can have a conversation about my feelings and beliefs. I know I cannot stand being yelled at.
· I know I can go to bed as early as I want. I know I cannot sleep past 8am. This triggers depression for me.
· I know I cannot do drugs. They do not align with me or my truest self. This took many years to learn.
· I know that gluten and dairy are things that don't bother me. And I know sugar goes straight to my hips, I can reap the consequences if I so choose. The verdict is still out on eating meat.
Other triggers: Not living my truth. Not going to yoga. Not doing my morning routine. Not having a purpose. Not speaking up for what I want. I don’t watch scary movies or listen to upsetting music. Anything that gives me the heebie jeebies. What works for me. Living a PG life. Possibly PG-13 if I’m up for it.
It wasn’t easy to rewrite my habits. I was not a morning person. But I kept at it. I had to rebuild my morning habit. I tried the recommended 30-day challenge multiple times. But every time it somehow slipped away. Finally, I committed to 90 days. It took 90 days to really form that new habit. Now I don’t even think about it. I just do it. And if I don’t…I feel it. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
So many things have happened in my life, and so many things will still happen. I am less than halfway through, I hope! The picture is so big! The small blip of Jr High School and High School is so small compared to the great big life you will live. Just hang on.
I am a survivor. I’m 38 years old, clean, and thriving. My medicine is yoga, dance, meditation and reading self-help books. No one is born with the tools. We have to go out and learn them. We must fill our own tool belt. Read books, ask people, friends, family, therapists, anyone, and everyone. At 14 years old or even 20 years old, it’s so hard to understand that. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid. You are visible. You matter! You don’t need a reason to feel any specific way. You have a right to your feelings. It’s ok to just feel them. In fact, it’s important to feel them. Let them run though you like a river. They will pass. And they will return. Thus, is life.
Why did I tell you all of this? Because, despite the heavy things that laid ahead for me after attempting suicide, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am beyond grateful I survived. I cannot even express how grateful I am that I didn’t die that day. I would have regretted it immensely. But I wouldn’t have been able to take it back. Even though more pain laid ahead for me, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I choose life. I choose to live. And I’d do it all again. Some days I want to stay in bed. Sometimes sad or heavy things happen. When those old familiar feelings come back, I do something new or go on a run. If that’s not in the books that day, if that’s just too much, I do a calm cozy yoga sesh -- “Yoga with Adriene” on YouTube is the best for all body types. And on the really hard days, I cry, and I snuggle my puppy. He has given me so much to look forward to. He gives me purpose and drive. He gets me out on a walk even when I really don’t want to, but I feel better when I do. But I don’t crumble, and I don’t give up. I feel my feelings, I listen to myself, and I confide in others.
Get a dog! Read The Power of Now and The Miracle Morning. Or any positive book that resonates. Do Yoga. Talk to someone. Someone you trust. Someone you picked out. Call a friend, and if they don’t answer, call again! Do something different, something to distract yourself even if just for a moment. Then keep doing that. Until you can find out what your medicine is, keep trying things. You will regret dying! You will not regret living!
I didn’t have an ah-ha moment. I didn’t have a come-to-Jesus. It took time. It took experiences. I drudged through the pain until I saw a glimmer of hope, and I tried my hardest to just keep moving toward it. Somedays its further out of reach, and other days I’m my best self.
If I can make you think twice before turning that wheel, then I have done my job. Please, Think twice!
Only The Beginning.
Thank you to my amazing family. Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thanks to Syd, who helped me find a few tools for my tool belt. And thanks to my wonderful husband, you taught me what true communication is.
If you or someone you know is struggling please ask for help before you make the worst decision of our life.
Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 or go to 988lifeline.org
❤️